The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
