I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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