i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Houston, we have a blender
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Randomize
