A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
