Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
A+ Viking dick
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
