i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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