I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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