So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
All I want is dick and wine.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
