And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
