Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
