My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Is it because I queefed?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
