Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
