She is in my trunk
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
