It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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