Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
