Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
