I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
