I hate your face
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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