My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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