Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Someone came in the potted fern
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
