A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
