Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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