i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
