Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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