Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
