His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
