Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
