i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
