Kiss
Puke
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
