The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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