if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Just pee around me
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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