He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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