My first STD was from a foam party
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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