Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
