her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Randomize
