someone threw a dead crab at me
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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