you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
