I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
