The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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