there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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