I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
