you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i used baking grease as lip gloss
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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