The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
