My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
