highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
