Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
