doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
