ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize