Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
