do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
