Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize