It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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