I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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