made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
