i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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