I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
