I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
this hospital has no fireball
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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